Book designed to help men find inner peace
Posted Mar 4, 2010 By Roy Lewis
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EMC News - In counselling almost 1,000 men's groups, Keith Ashford has discovered it is relationship difficulties that are at the core of emotional issues involving men. 
Roy Lewis, St. Lawrence EMC
Keith Ashford holds a poster-sized reproduction of the front cover of his recently-released book, Anger - A Message For Men, during a recent book signing at Leeds County books.
And those difficulties all too often lead to men becoming angry even though they may not even know the real cause of their anger. Ashford's recently-released book, Anger - A Message For Men, examines relationship difficulties leading to anger in men, which surfaces "most powerfully in the breakdown of a marriage or relationship or even at work."
"I call anger the two-by-four of a man's emotional life. You can't mistake it," he said.
Anger, whether it is from depression, anxiety, self-identity or life transitions, can have a major impact on a man's life. A great deal of Ashford's counselling involves trying to undo training that a man often has received from his father. If the son showed any signs of emotional trauma, the father might have told him such things as "suck it up, don't feel, get over it, move on or don't cry."
"When men encounter failure for the first time, it can be a tremendously challenging experience," said Ashford.
The first cracks in a man's emotional stability appear in what Ashford calls "the looking good game." A man experiencing problems will build a tower or make a mask so the attentions of his problems go somewhere else.
When a man is in his twenties, he has no time for counselling according to Ashford. But by the time he has reached his 30s or 40s, something happens to cause him difficulty. It could be the loss of his job, health problems, his second marriage has failed or he must deal with death or disability.
"In counselling such men, I try to focus their attention on what is happening inside them instead of what is happening outside to get them to stop blaming the world for their pain," said Ashford.
"Men have a hard time even asking for directions so you can imagine the difficulties for them to ask for emotional help," he said.
Initially, Ashford, who is also a former journalist, wasn't even sure if he would write a book. But when he started to write, chapters formed quickly based on his interactions over the last 17 years in counselling men. He was well aware that "many men don't often read books." As an incentive to have males look through Anger - A Message For Men, Ashford wrote each chapter in a very condensed style. Many of the book's 65 chapters consist of only two or three pages. Even so, Ashford has learned a slight majority of the book's total sales are to women.
"A lot of men are getting the book from a woman in their lives who is often the first to recognize there is a problem with the way they are living," he said.
Through the book's 142 pages, Ashford discusses such topics as the pride of the male, anger is temporary, Why am I angry?, listening, let the past go, negative thinking, fear and one thing at a time.
In his synopsis of his book, Ashford notes that anger cannot be managed or massaged, nor can it be denied, avoided, projected or repressed with any satisfactory result. But it can be transformed into its opposite which is inner peace.
Ashford writes that along with inner peace comes "richer relationships, less conflict, a sense of well-being." For those who desire peace and fulfillment, Ashford advises them to look first at anger. He continues by saying it is simple but not easy. Men need to give anger what it wants and that is their unwavering attention, which changes everything.
"The advice given in the book is really about allowing for a fuller experience of life and encouraging men to know themselves from inside out rather than outside in," said Ashford.
"I just hope men find their way to this book, which sums up the experiences I have had in working with the emotional problems of hundreds of men over the years," he added.
Born in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Ashford is the son of a retired United Church minister. He initially entered the ministry after obtaining a Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Windsor and then a Master of Divinity degree from Queen's University.
After becoming an ordained minister in the United Church of Canada, Ashford did pastoral work in Saskatchewan for 10 years and then transferred to Thunder Bay for three years. As a minister, he was involved frequently with counseling, especially dealing with issues affecting men. For a time, Ashford switched careers and worked in Windsor as a probation and parole officer. He later worked in a women's shelter and was often confronted with the task of counselling men who were abusing their spouse.
"Because of this group work counselling men, I knew I had found my calling," he said.
Ashford and his wife, Marilyn, moved to Kingston in 1995 after she was hired as a geriatric social worker at St. Mary's on the Lake Hospital. He established the non-profit Men's Counselling Services in Kingston, which offered counselling to both groups and individuals.
Ashford later worked as a counselling co-ordinator along with Keith Fraser at the Chelsea Court Health Centre. He continues to work with Fraser through Men's Counselling Services office in Brockville at 43 King St. West, Suite 204. More information about the service is available by calling 613-498-1940 or through the organization's website at www.men'scounsellingservices.com
Ashford started writing Anger - A Message For Men in Nov. of 2008 and finished the manuscript in April of last year. It was published in August and is available from a number of bookstores in Ottawa, Brockville, Kingston and Belleville.
It can also be ordered at through the internet from www.menscouncsellingservices.com or from amazon.com.
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